as i lay there in a crumpled heap of ashes, i had finally realized that my perspective was changing. the fire that was ignited so violently, prior, had finally died out. all that was left was me in a pile of black soot realizing the truth.
with each ash that fell to the ground i realized a little bit more about myself and about the image i project to my peers. i was able to see clearly that all sorts of people who i don’t know or talk to want to see me fail. they want to see me on the short end of the stick receiving all kinds of hate and abuse. they’d rather me curl up in a ball and say you’ve won, you’ve beaten me till i’m black and blue.
for whatever reason these people feel this way i won’t know for sure, however, i think it stems from the fact that i put myself out there in a different way.
how many people do you know that walk around Evansville with glitter on each and every day…? i am pretty sure that number is a single digit.
i realized that the people who i’ve walked by everyday, honestly, hate me. they hate everything about me because i’m different. all this rage i was exposed to, only confirmed this. i walk around hated for who i am, what i do, how i act, what i say, its all judged and hated by many people, apparently.
it only strengthens me knowing that people dislike me for the reasons that i like me. 🙂
what had ignited the fire, upon my body, started actually as confusion on my part. i was lost in the game of others, that involved me partly. when i tried to play back it was already over. apparently i hadn’t followed their rules which were never stated anywhere. but anyway their standards for how i should react weren’t met and i was the evil doer and must be vanquished. well vanquished i was..
this dictator (who has always dictated whether or not my social responses to “his” friends we’re of the set standards or rules) chimed in with very disrespectful words. he assumed i was obsessed with them while they played this game over me. i’m sorry sir i’m just basically trying to play my way out of their game because its ‘uncomfortable’ to say the least.
there was no way for me to represent this feeling, that they condemned upon me, without proper communication. so i took to a very quick and true defense which, unfortunatley, was myself pouring the kerosene all over me.
it took one match to light me on fire, and then the fire burned and burned. i had been pushed into a corner, it was the perfect time to roast Clay Carlton. once this dictator had boastfully started the fire, others saw the flame and came to throw their sticks at me too, to keep the fire burning.
these people throwing these sticks were people i had only said very few words to before. they never cared to get to know me, so i never considered them friends of mine. but when small minded people see someone on fire they either add to it or just sit and “ooh” and “ahhh” over how pretty i burn.
as i watched through the flames, stick after stick flew high and then finally would hit me, sending the flame even higher. i realized these were the people that hated me. to publicly tyrannize someone they don’t even know just because someone else had started it was kind of funny to me.
people love to see others hurt, or in my case, aflame. i guess it made all of them feel good that somebody was burning, and disposing of another person because that person didn’t meet up to their standards or rules. i have no idea what people want from me, but i’m sure as hell not going to live up to their standards 🙂
as the fire dwindled and the dictator had left and all of the people throwing their sticks finally quit, i remained in ashes. i tried to keep a positive mind about how i was publicly torched but it was hard. the feeling that i had was not a good feeling. a dreary feeling where you saw all of these people that you know only of, to just walk in and throw a couples punches while you’re down since that opportunity doesn’t come around much. i physically felt burnt from head to toe.
but a phoenix can only resurrect from its ashes and thats exactly how i had later felt. my perspective had changed completely. i was free in a sense. there had been this negative cloud following me everywhere and i realized it was gone. i wasn’t the only thing that had burnt to ashes. the very small minuscule relationships i had been hanging onto with the dictator and his fellow firewood throwers were burnt to nothing. i was free of any obligation or small talk that might ever be required around them.
now that i’ve been burnt to ashes, i can rise up above everything in a new, sleek, beautiful bird and soar away from the dictator and everyone who watched me burn.
i am free of the useless friendships with the people who don’t care about me at all.
this time, i’m enhanced with a fireproof, bulletproof sparkle that even they can’t fathom.
p.s. tread carefully around those people. they’ll play games with you long enough until they trip you into a hole and light you on fire. they must really like playing with matches. it must be the only feeling that makes them happy.